In The Thick of It: I’m Tired

It’s Saturday. Normally a day I get to relax with my little family and find ways to connect with my daughter. With the pandemic around our options are limited — especially since there are so many in my community not taking precautions. But I often look forward to the laziness of the day.

However, pandemic aside, it has been an off day for me. I feel absolutely exhausted and physically weak, like under the weather type stuff. I can also feel Depression Me sort of lurking, upset that the medication is starting to take effect. But I’m exhausted from battling her.

Last night I picked up a paintbrush — something I haven’t done in over 20 years — and I did one of those sip and paint classes. I came so close to not doing it though. Depression Me was making a last minute attempt to get me to stop, but I plowed through. The class was so enjoyable. I had forgotten how much I loved doing this.

Depression Me was annoyingly present, trying to convince me what I was doing was no good. How I would never ne able to create anything on my own, how selfish I was being, blah blag blah blah. I kept going. There was a point during the process where I became upawr myself for not getting something right. It’s fine if you squint. Once I was done I went a step further and sort of felt proud of myself. Then, I actually posted a picture of it for all to see. I was exposed. Depression Me made sure to make some sort of self deprecating remark, but I did it and it was out there.

This morning though I felt like I pulled an all-nighter, instead of the fairly reasonable bedtime I had. I had breakfast with my family and went back to bed. I slept for a good 4 hours and, had my daughter not jumped on me to inform me she had a donut, I probably would’ve kept sleeping. I feel like last night’s fight was rough. I’ve also been trying to be very deliberate about what I say and do so as not to let my ADHD get in the way and to better understand when my brain starts ADHD frying.

I’m tired. This fight is exhausting and I just want to stay in bed. Well, I am. I have. Its 7:23pm and I may fall asleep. Depression me doesn’t like how strongly I’ve fought back. I’ve pushed through every time she has told me I cant, I’m worthless, etc. I’ve fought hard and better than I’ve ever fought before. Today though, I’m just tired. I can barely keep my eyes open. I mean, I’m hoping I’m not under the weather since I feel so physically exhausted and my stomach has been a hot mess since I started upping my medication. We’ll see. I have an appointment to assess my meds and see what may be causing the stomach cramping. Fingers crossed.

I do admit this is the most help I’ve asked for and the most open I’ve ever been about all of this. It is so exhausting when your brain doesn’t work or absorb information like it should. I’m tired, but I know I’ll be ok. I’ve been given the greatest gift of so much love and support both in and out of the home. For now, I’m going to bed and will wake up tomorrow to fight another day.

Maybe I’ll go crazy and surprise Adam with actually taking a shower. 🤣